Back to hell II : day 1

Thursday, August 1, 12:31 pm

Last night at 11:20, I had the last cigarette.  I woke up late today, much later than usual;  I opened my eyes,  realized what day it is , remembered what that meant and  said a loud and angry f***! In 20 min  I was out of  the flat,  one of the 2-3 times in  few good years  I went outside without having the coffee first.
Nothing unusual until I got to my office, just the annoying smell of cigarettes in the bus stops.  I could even actually work a bit  before had lunch;

2:39 pm

my brain transformed in  a  foggy place from which no intelligent idea can  emerge.  Feels like I can't think any more ; and all this because the level of nicotine in the blood dropped significantly (yesterday at this time I would have already smoked one pack and I was on the way for the second one) ;
besides it is so hot today, "perfect" weather  to impose more stress on the body.

I was always amazed by the saying "mind over matter"!  If only I could fool my body  to think that the nicotine is still there  or even better to erase any history of  interaction with this drug.   I have to do more research on this idea .

Meanwhile,  a  quick overview of the symptoms:

  aggressivity level : normal  (yes, unexpected, but true ;) )
  dizziness level: over the top (worse  than during a hangover)
  pain:  small  headache and   throat pain
 over all characterization : lost in space and time ; in this withdrawal period you are much more aware  of   what happens in your body and mind than aware of the external world !

   So far so good! Now, when it is the second time of doing this, is actually easier. I know I just have to be patient and it will get better ! 3-4 days of hell, 3 weeks of purgatory  and then I am back on the happy side of life !  So let the countdown start !

Here I go again ...

It has been a while since I wrote on this blog.  The  weather  outside (cloudy and raining) is perfect for this task. So,  to get directly to the point, I am smoking again. After two months of being clean, I started again.  It happened on one hot summer night while I was in holiday in Romania.  I received a phone call from Germany which  kind of changed my life. One guy was explaining me in german  that my brother tried to commit suicide by jumping into the Rhine  and that I should come to the hospital. The world stopped, my mind stopped. Couldn't think at all, my mind was not working. I asked the friend which was with me to buy cigarettes. I tried really hard to smoke the first cigarette. It was more than horrible. Finished the first, lighted the second one. After smoking like 5 cigarettes, I could finally think. Since that night I am smoking again more than one pack per day. I was so ashamed about it that  in the institute I was always hiding for smoking. It  was worse than in high school. I felt bad to meet with the people that were so proud when I finally kicked out this bad habit.  This situation went on  for more than  one month.  One month of feeling bad after each cigarette I was smoking, which was just turning in the need to smoke more. It was a runaway process. I was getting more and more depressed that I will never be able to quit again.
Until this Friday, when I got to see some hope. The same friends which helped me first time quitting  took attitude again. Here is the result :

So from August 1, I won't have any cigarette anymore. I already know what to expect, so shouldn't be as hard as the first time, right?  And I should be stronger now,  theoretically at least.
   I am really really sorry to have disappointed everyone who believed in me last time.   I could  blame it on the life's challenge I had to face, but deep down I know it was a test that I failed.  Bad things are always happening,  that's not a reason to be weak.
         Anyhow, now, after all this time, I finally have hope again! And, lately, I realized that hope is a damn important thing in life!

21st day

Sunday morning,  5:05 am. Today are exactly 21 days since I  stopped smoking and also the first  observing  night/morning without smoking. I was pretty afraid  of this moment. Usually one night of observing was equivalent with more than half pack of cigarettes (around 1 at every 40 min when the dome had to be moved ). I successfully passed the test: no smoking ! Actually I passed 5/6  most difficult tests : I  had a coffee with a smoker, I  had a ride in a car with a smoker, I have been at parties with lots of  alcohol,  I had an observation night and managed to have a short phone call with my  family.  In the dark age (the period when I was smoking) all these events were measured in how many cigarettes I smoked  !
But the final battle will begin just next week when I'll have to live in the same flat with a heavy smoker for probably more than one month!Yupiii!!! I didn't have  enough stress already ! I just hope  that by the end of this period he will be a non smoker  too and  not the other way round!
I just have to remember :  3 weeks since I am not smoking and I feel a totally different person: much more optimistic, smiling and with increasing self-esteem.
Recently I was reading some article about habits and how to change them.  A habit is composed of  three parts: cue, routine and  reward. You can't change a habit, but you can change the routine component.  The habit of smoking  consisted of a stress factor as a cue, lighting and smoking a cigarette as the routine and the reward was the  impression of feeling more relaxed. For succeeding in giving up cigarettes, I had to replace them with another routine: at the beginning was biking but that usually takes more time than a cigarette. The perfect solution I came up  which previously was just a joke is reading astroph. A cigarette takes  usually like 5 min plus 5 getting out  in total 10 min at a time. Now, if I feel stressed, I take a break of 10 min reading some abstracts or  looking into a paper on the arXiv. I know it sounds crazy, but it works !!! Soon I might be able to cure even Facebook addiction this way !:D
Friday night I met with a friend which  tried to stop smoking in the same period as me. He was smoking again. When I asked what happened, the answer was: "I am not as strong as you!". Lame excuse, the same I used so many times before!And I really felt sorry for him ! If you read these lines, think twice before lighting that cigarette:it won't make you more relaxed!
I wanted to write some more things  but is already 6:30 am and I am still in  the institute. I guess I should go to sleep a bit and leave the rest for the next time!


P.S 7:52 am ; on the way back home I witnessed the most beautiful morning since I am in Bonn: half of the city being in a very dense fog, no cars at all on the street and everything painted with a  fresh green;  except the lady from the bakery  (which was  extremely nice) the only living things I met were a rabbit,  a squirrel and a crow. The fields between Bonn and St. Augustin were surreal. It is  such a  long time since I was impressed  that much by nature. Might be also a secondary effect of no smoking. I feel so much more alive and everything leaves  so much stronger impression on my senses; and besides I get now a much finer sense of smell ! A new habit will emerge based on today's experience:  Sunday bike rides through the city before sunrise :)  

The end or...Future Plans?

Sunday, 10:24 am- it has been one week since I  smoked the last cigarette. One exciting week, with huge oscillations between  being happy and  terrified.  One week in which I made  public all the moments in my life ( not that before I was not using Facebook more than anyone else ).
Today I felt that this mission is accomplished and  I have to move on ! So I will summarize what happen this week in just few words.
 8 days ago I was a person who was smoking 1-2 packs per day and this because I was really  restraining myself. I was always nervous, pretty often depressed  and  with very low self esteem. I tried before to quit smoking but didn't succeed. Now,  after 8 days, I am not smoking at all, I  am more relaxed than I ever was, and I am smiling, a lot and funny enough a lot to strangers !  So what happen ?! Why this time I succeeded what I thought before  to be IMPOSSIBLE? I approached the problem scientifically: first identify the reasons I was smoking in the first place; I realized  then that I was acting like a victim and instead of fighting back my past  I was just closing in and the only release of all the wrong feelings was through cigarettes.   Once all this was clear in my head  I moved to  build the plan of kicking off this  bad  habit. The plan was the shortest ever: don't smoke  And this is how it started!  What happened in this week everyone knows ! I was in hell  for half of the time, where  I had to fight the Nicotine monster and his master, Addiction monster; I did't win the war, but I won several battles. I know the war will continue for a good while, but  I know how to fight  back now !And only because I decided to be a fighter not a victim !  To stop  smoking was just the first step in the long journey of building myself !I want to learn so many new things from which the first is  swimming(yes, yes, I don't know how to swim but made progress last month: I managed to cross the pool without someone getting me out  from the bottom of the pool :D ) .
Now I am all excited and happy mostly because  now I know that I can do anything I want: I managed to stop smoking which for me was equivalent  with going to Moon !!!
I  know that a lot of people read this blog and actually I am very very happy that I got feedback of other people being  motivated  to  stop smoking ! You CAN DO IT (think that most  of you smoke even less than one pack per week !!!! )  And I am very happy that people supported me morally: every time I was meeting someone on the corridors of AIfA they were all thumbs up !  That felt good, something like a big family :)

 So I guess that's it for now; was fun to write exactly what I felt or thought this week: was like having the diary again,  but this time open diary ! I know, blogging is much easier that talk to  a person  face to face  so I have to improve my social skills and not just hiding before a computer screen! But small steps are the key to success ! So if you want updates about smoking or  just want to talk, ask me for a coffee , I am always available for coffee (maybe at some point I should make a blog about quitting coffee-->6 coffees per day is too much, right?!  )  That's it , I shut up now and go do some science :)

7th day

 4th May , 5 :11 am (exactly 24h since I am awake) I  am happy happy happy !!!!  I just discovered that there is LIFE without cigarettes !!!!I didn't have so much fun since good years!! First of all I drunk, a  lot ...and also a lot of coffee until I got to a kind  of equilibrium(OK...not physical but psychological ;) )      And then I danced...a LOOOT (I NEVER DANCE !!!) ;  then I took the bike back home (world record : 20 min to my bed); If you ever played Need for Speed II maybe you understand the feeling : imagine no lights whatsoever and being drunk on a bike on maximum speed  on hills : was WONDERFUL!!The level of adrenaline was  as high as possible ; my brother would be sooooo proud of me : I didn't crash in any tree or car !!!


And I have done all this without any cigarettes !!!! I am soooo happy and proud of my self; I just broke several psychological barriers tonight !!! Thanks a looooooooooooooooooot guys ;)  I can work 80h per week now! I'll do it happily ! Just because I know I can ;)  I can do everything without cigarettes, this night just proved that  ;)




8:48 am;  I think is the first time in my life when I get up, turn on the music  and start dancing  because I am happy ; Before quitting smoking I read some books about  the whole process of quitting and one thing remained in my mind; they said that smokers are not happy persons, even if the cigarette they crave are usually to make them happier.   I never been so happy while I was smoking; mornings were starting with a coffee and 5 cigarettes; now morning starts with music and dancing!!! Oau, what a change !!

6th day

Friday 5:55 am, the 6th day. Sleep  does help in critical situations and..also cosmology lecture notes :)  Yesterday was pretty bad and I was pretty at the limit too. I hated some people which were having fun at the situation while also smoking a cigarette. Because of course I am the one addicted that cannot quit while they can whenever they want . But they just don't want  it ... Or other persons that just have fun at these  kind of situations by principle. And still wonder why I totally don't like them !  Anyhow, I needed to clean my facebook list which is totally outdated.
  Now I am aware of the fact that is not going to be easy  for a while, and last days I just won a battle not the entire war.
And writing these lines is not easy, not at all.  But I  know that years from now, if I will ever have a kid like me, these lines might help  if not to prevent smoking, at least to prove that you can kick any addiction. It is  not impossible even if for sure seems like it !

Critical moments

Today was a perfect day ...until 3 hours ago ! I thought it was over yet, but here  I am having another crisis. I hardly can breathe, I feel like I am suffocating,   I am very cold and I feel a huge pressure on my brain. Everything I can think about now  is the Cigarette! ! you know those moments when you are in love and if accidentally meet your crush you see him shinning and with the hair in the wind ( even if you are inside a building ); well, that' s how I feel about the cigarette now !! I want one , just one, but is never just one ...I cant  breathe!!! I should lock myself in and through away the keys before I lose control and go buy cigarettes!  Would be always like this from now on ?! This is really pure torture, not fair :( Would I be able to fight it this time ??

The best day

The end of the 4th day. Today  was one of the best days in my life. Not only because I did what I thought is impossible but because today I was proud of myself. Proud of all the things I changed since the beginning of the year. Proud that I am in control of my life probably for the first time.  And everything independent of  any guy or relationship. I should have given myself more credit before :)  Today I didn 't  feel at all the need to smoke. I was more calm than I ever been after smoking. I started washing everything in the house as I can feel the trace of smoke in all the clothes.  And I biked 36 km :) next week I' ll start running, even if I totally hate it and probably the lungs will collapse very fast.  Tomorrow I ll try another test. I ll go for a coffee with someone who  smokes to see what reaction my body will have.  But now time for sleep! Probably the most relaxing sleep in years!

First smile

Wednesday 11:29 am, the third day. When I opened my eyes this morning, I realized that I am not in my bed. Panic for few seconds!!!!  Then I relaxed and smiled. A big big smile, the first one in this horrible week.
I didn't  SMOKE last night !!!  I have't been so happy since long time!!! I didn't smoke!!!   I know that this sounds stupid for nearly everyone  else, but for me is one of the biggest achievements lately. Actually the biggest.   So, I was drinking last night, I got drunk ...hmm ok ok I have to be sincere, I got wasted ... but in the whole period I didn't felt the need for a cigarette!!! At least since 6 years I never had a drink without a pack of cigarettes to go with it. I mean, when I say NEVER, is really NEVER.
Last night I got extremely wasted and didn't felt the need for the cigarettes, at all!!! I remember I got a bit agitated because I  felt the need to get my bike and leave. Took Pablo a while to convince me that I am not able to stand up but to take the bike.
    There is actually some light at the end of the tunnel!!!! I have the first victory, I feel much better than yesterday (except that yesterday I didn't have a hangover)  and seems like  I can have a life even without cigarettes. I must admit that yesterday I had moments when I felt that my life is over, isn't worth   anything anymore without cigarettes. I didn't really believe before that I was such an addicted person!

Now that I know that I am  extremely  good at getting addicted  I decided which would be the next addiction.  Astro-ph papers. I want to see  the shaking and desperation when I don't have anything new to read !
So from the physical point of view today is much better than yesterday. No shaking but actually the coughing started.  My lungs are getting again  some fresh air and they can't manage it yet. Otherwise everything is better now. I am smiling, and I am much more optimistic :)
 I go now to work on the paper addiction. I was not joking! That's my next project : to prove if there is a correlation between addiction and destructive things!

48 hours

Tuesday morning, 10:21.This morning was particularly bad: I was that dizzy that I  hardly could reach the bathroom. Tried several times to wake up without success.  Finally I got out of the house  and stoped at the backery next corner for a coffee.Something to stop  the dizziness.  Bad decision. People are smoking here. The smell made me even more sick . I want to puke .The hands started to shake again, the head ache increased . Last night I discovered that adrenaline helps a lot , to the point that I forgot about smoking for a while. Ok I'll get the bike and racing through the fields should make me feel better. I  never heard someone dying in the process of quiting smoking. With all my bad luck , still I cant be the first one :) just few more days !!! And then should be easier !!At least that' s what they say !

Nonsense

8:54 pm. Still Monday. Managed to sleep one hour, but no more. Woke up because I was dreaming that I was smoking. Woke up with a feeling of great desperation combined with emptiness. Never felt more alone in my whole life. The cigarettes, they were always there. Didn't matter  what time it was, what day, what I was doing before...they were always with me.  Now I feel this big empty hole inside.  Loneliness combined with fear gives this strange taste of terror and a feeling that  nothing makes any sense any more.   Is just the nicotine playing tricks on me or this would be from now on my life?   I am terrified.  Must be a trick, so many people are not smoking and are apparently happy!
 I can't stay home anymore, everything here reminds me of the "good" moments when I could light that cigarette, and everything was OK.  Now nothing is OK; everything falls apart!!. I should go back to the institute and work. Keep my brain busy. Sleep is not an option. Not now!

4:52 pm ; I have to go away, I have to run as far as possible; the office is too small, every single noise is   driving me crazy; the hand started shaking, and  I feel the unstoppable need to break something and to scream ;   I should go home, at least there I can break everything; I know that  it will be even worse home, but at least there is the cold shower; and I can cry there ! The pressure inside the head is increasing as well ; I can't think clearly anymore ; Unbelievable,  all these just because of cigarettes!!!  I don't know how it will end , but I don't want to smoke, that's what I know for sure ; I'll break a hand , the head , anything else, but I don't want to smoke. I am out of here; one hour with the bike on the fields should calm me down a bit;

Almost 30 hours

1:12 pm , still Monday. Time is passing so slow; after lunch I  had one of the crisis.  But I am not sure anyone who didn't pass through these moments can understand what a crisis means.  How does it feel exactly? Well , first,  there is this rush through your whole body which gives you shivering and a  need of smashing anything in your way. I mean, ANYTHING! Then there is the fact that your mind is foggy , you can't concentrate whatsoever, everything you see or think is that you NEED  TO  LIGHT a cigarette.  Then you are dizzy,  sometimes  at the edge of fainting . And your state of mind oscillates from depression to hope in   a timescale of minutes!
 There are  moments when I am sure that I can't take it anymore ; but then again what  is the worse that can happen ? Die from one of these crisis? small probability :) I wish it was possible to go to sleep and wake up in one month when all the nicotine would have gone away.

Ok, I need to concentrate somehow!!! Some yoga techniques would have been  very helpful right now !

Monday(officially) the first day

8:20 am , Monday, April 29.   Today is officially the first day  as a "non-smoker" and  approximately 20 h since the last cigarette.  This morning  was not as bad as I expected. I woke up like usual, did all the  routine things with a small exception: I did not smoke. ( on a normal day I would have smoked at least 6 cigarettes since I woke up  until now).  Even so I was still able to leave the house, take the bus and get to my office. In the bus was a bit tough, I could smell all the smokers there and I was a bit sick,  the sensation of suffocation. Tomorrow I'll take the bike !!! All the way to here,  I could see everywhere smokers and lighted cigarettes:  they were everywhere: suddenly everyone started to smoke??!!
 Yesterday I found out a pretty good solution to make easier the crisis: cold shower and then do crunches until totally exhausted.  Now I have to find a solution for the institute. Up to now is pretty OK;   I just hope I won't meet  my supervisor today !!!
    I worked pretty hard to get hooked on cigarettes at the times when I was a stupid  teenager (they were horrible at the beginning and they were making me so sick) now I have to work double as hard to get rid of them !!
    So smile, suffer and get cured ! In this case really the time  is my  friend.  I know that with every hour that is gone it is getting  better as the nicotine will slowly leave my body.
"Smile, tomorrow will be a better day"--- in this situation is really true !!

First hours

Last cigarette was at 10 am  in the morning even if oficially I will stop starting  tomorrow . Is 4:20 pm and I already started shacking. My head hurts, I am very very dizzy  and I feel stomach sick also. I started looking for a cigarette but is nothing around. I will go back to bed and try to calm the little monster in the stomach that craves  nicotine. I wont give give up , he wont have any cigarette anymore.I feel the need to cry so I stop writing for now. The situation is too bad out here. Hopefully calmer periods will come !!

So, it is official now: I'll STOP smoking; I don't know how I'll do it, but I'll do it ! So this blog will be just a collection of desperate  random thoughts; It was born after one of the many many  discussions I had about quitting smoking ; appeared at that point as a pretty good idea, now doesn't look like it anymore, but I have to try to write exactly how I feel just to release the tension inside which was always resulting in lighting one cigarette;
  So quit smoking...it is indeed the biggest challenge up to now; getting into graduate school was very easy comparing to stop smoking ; Just the idea of not being able to light a cigarette is terrifying ; the idea that Monday morning I'll wake up as usual, I'll make some coffee and then ...I will not smoke (usually I am smoking 3-4 cigarettes with the morning coffee).
Now  I am thinking back when did I start smoking. I remember perfect the moment as  it was yesterday: it was in a regional train with my that time boyfriend who was a smoker: I just wanted to know why he smokes; the first cigarette was more than horrible, was disgusting. I remember telling him that he must be crazy because he smokes.  I remember times when I was so angry at him that he spent the last money we had on cigarettes; simply I was not able to understand how he could do that. Unfortunately now I do.
 Short time after that, my  rebellion teenager moments started and because I choose the way of being the bad kid, smoking was a prerequisite. My family had a stash of cigarettes (it was used  before as "presents"  for doctors in the communism times, as no one in the family smoked). So I had a very  "good" time enjoying the old long  Kent they had; a single cigarette was enough to make me dizzy for few good moments.  I was 16-17 at that time I think.  Was really funny the moment when my mother found out I was smoking, because after one of our usual fights, simply I didn't care anymore and I lighted a cigarette in front of her. The hell broke loose and I was having fun ! Now, after almost 10 years,  I understand why my father told me once that he wishes me to have a kid  like me !
    Anyhow, soon after  I started smoking, a cigarette per day turned in a few and in one year I was smoking more than a pack per day. At the beginning of my first year of undergraduate, I was even smoking 2 packs per day. This until the Christmas that year when I totally stopped. I stopped due to my new boyfriend who was a non-smoker. From two packs per day I went to not smoking at all (again extremes). This worked for two-three years. Then slowly ( hiding from my bf) I started smoking again.  At that time I was Erasmus in Bonn and because of all the stress of the new world, I found peace again in cigarettes.  Slowly, but sure, I got hooked up again.  I felt bad because mostly I was lying that I am not smoking. In 2009 came the break up and then I went totally back to smoking one pack per day. I didn't care anymore, I didn't have to hide it ! Well, all fine since then , but still even if no boyfriend  or parents were around to tell me that I should not smoke I still felt bad from time to time.
And  here we are, in 2013,  and I am here writing  about stopping smoking. Why? Because finally I found some equilibrium in my life, I am happy with what I am doing, I succeeded doing some other big changes and smoking is the only thing that bothers me now. I have to stop. I will stop because I want it , not because someone else wants it.  I know that this will be the hardest thing I had to do up to now, but doesn't matter. I  know I can do  it! I have to do it !!! I know I failed several times up to know, but this time is THE TIME when I will succeed! I know that next week I will feel different, all I will think about is a cigarette, but with some help and understanding from friends  I will  hopefully manage it. And besides, this time  I have this spot here where  I can scream, cry but... not smoke :)