Thursday 1 August 2013
Back to hell II : day 1
Last night at 11:20, I had the last cigarette. I woke up late today, much later than usual; I opened my eyes, realized what day it is , remembered what that meant and said a loud and angry f***! In 20 min I was out of the flat, one of the 2-3 times in few good years I went outside without having the coffee first.
Nothing unusual until I got to my office, just the annoying smell of cigarettes in the bus stops. I could even actually work a bit before had lunch;
2:39 pm
my brain transformed in a foggy place from which no intelligent idea can emerge. Feels like I can't think any more ; and all this because the level of nicotine in the blood dropped significantly (yesterday at this time I would have already smoked one pack and I was on the way for the second one) ;
besides it is so hot today, "perfect" weather to impose more stress on the body.
I was always amazed by the saying "mind over matter"! If only I could fool my body to think that the nicotine is still there or even better to erase any history of interaction with this drug. I have to do more research on this idea .
Meanwhile, a quick overview of the symptoms:
aggressivity level : normal (yes, unexpected, but true ;) )
dizziness level: over the top (worse than during a hangover)
pain: small headache and throat pain
over all characterization : lost in space and time ; in this withdrawal period you are much more aware of what happens in your body and mind than aware of the external world !
So far so good! Now, when it is the second time of doing this, is actually easier. I know I just have to be patient and it will get better ! 3-4 days of hell, 3 weeks of purgatory and then I am back on the happy side of life ! So let the countdown start !
Sunday 28 July 2013
Here I go again ...
Until this Friday, when I got to see some hope. The same friends which helped me first time quitting took attitude again. Here is the result :
So from August 1, I won't have any cigarette anymore. I already know what to expect, so shouldn't be as hard as the first time, right? And I should be stronger now, theoretically at least.
I am really really sorry to have disappointed everyone who believed in me last time. I could blame it on the life's challenge I had to face, but deep down I know it was a test that I failed. Bad things are always happening, that's not a reason to be weak.
Anyhow, now, after all this time, I finally have hope again! And, lately, I realized that hope is a damn important thing in life!
Saturday 18 May 2013
21st day
But the final battle will begin just next week when I'll have to live in the same flat with a heavy smoker for probably more than one month!Yupiii!!! I didn't have enough stress already ! I just hope that by the end of this period he will be a non smoker too and not the other way round!
I just have to remember : 3 weeks since I am not smoking and I feel a totally different person: much more optimistic, smiling and with increasing self-esteem.
Recently I was reading some article about habits and how to change them. A habit is composed of three parts: cue, routine and reward. You can't change a habit, but you can change the routine component. The habit of smoking consisted of a stress factor as a cue, lighting and smoking a cigarette as the routine and the reward was the impression of feeling more relaxed. For succeeding in giving up cigarettes, I had to replace them with another routine: at the beginning was biking but that usually takes more time than a cigarette. The perfect solution I came up which previously was just a joke is reading astroph. A cigarette takes usually like 5 min plus 5 getting out in total 10 min at a time. Now, if I feel stressed, I take a break of 10 min reading some abstracts or looking into a paper on the arXiv. I know it sounds crazy, but it works !!! Soon I might be able to cure even Facebook addiction this way !:D
Friday night I met with a friend which tried to stop smoking in the same period as me. He was smoking again. When I asked what happened, the answer was: "I am not as strong as you!". Lame excuse, the same I used so many times before!And I really felt sorry for him ! If you read these lines, think twice before lighting that cigarette:it won't make you more relaxed!
I wanted to write some more things but is already 6:30 am and I am still in the institute. I guess I should go to sleep a bit and leave the rest for the next time!
P.S 7:52 am ; on the way back home I witnessed the most beautiful morning since I am in Bonn: half of the city being in a very dense fog, no cars at all on the street and everything painted with a fresh green; except the lady from the bakery (which was extremely nice) the only living things I met were a rabbit, a squirrel and a crow. The fields between Bonn and St. Augustin were surreal. It is such a long time since I was impressed that much by nature. Might be also a secondary effect of no smoking. I feel so much more alive and everything leaves so much stronger impression on my senses; and besides I get now a much finer sense of smell ! A new habit will emerge based on today's experience: Sunday bike rides through the city before sunrise :)
Sunday 5 May 2013
The end or...Future Plans?
Today I felt that this mission is accomplished and I have to move on ! So I will summarize what happen this week in just few words.
8 days ago I was a person who was smoking 1-2 packs per day and this because I was really restraining myself. I was always nervous, pretty often depressed and with very low self esteem. I tried before to quit smoking but didn't succeed. Now, after 8 days, I am not smoking at all, I am more relaxed than I ever was, and I am smiling, a lot and funny enough a lot to strangers ! So what happen ?! Why this time I succeeded what I thought before to be IMPOSSIBLE? I approached the problem scientifically: first identify the reasons I was smoking in the first place; I realized then that I was acting like a victim and instead of fighting back my past I was just closing in and the only release of all the wrong feelings was through cigarettes. Once all this was clear in my head I moved to build the plan of kicking off this bad habit. The plan was the shortest ever: don't smoke And this is how it started! What happened in this week everyone knows ! I was in hell for half of the time, where I had to fight the Nicotine monster and his master, Addiction monster; I did't win the war, but I won several battles. I know the war will continue for a good while, but I know how to fight back now !And only because I decided to be a fighter not a victim ! To stop smoking was just the first step in the long journey of building myself !I want to learn so many new things from which the first is swimming(yes, yes, I don't know how to swim but made progress last month: I managed to cross the pool without someone getting me out from the bottom of the pool :D ) .
Now I am all excited and happy mostly because now I know that I can do anything I want: I managed to stop smoking which for me was equivalent with going to Moon !!!
I know that a lot of people read this blog and actually I am very very happy that I got feedback of other people being motivated to stop smoking ! You CAN DO IT (think that most of you smoke even less than one pack per week !!!! ) And I am very happy that people supported me morally: every time I was meeting someone on the corridors of AIfA they were all thumbs up ! That felt good, something like a big family :)
So I guess that's it for now; was fun to write exactly what I felt or thought this week: was like having the diary again, but this time open diary ! I know, blogging is much easier that talk to a person face to face so I have to improve my social skills and not just hiding before a computer screen! But small steps are the key to success ! So if you want updates about smoking or just want to talk, ask me for a coffee , I am always available for coffee (maybe at some point I should make a blog about quitting coffee-->6 coffees per day is too much, right?! ) That's it , I shut up now and go do some science :)
Friday 3 May 2013
7th day
And I have done all this without any cigarettes !!!! I am soooo happy and proud of my self; I just broke several psychological barriers tonight !!! Thanks a looooooooooooooooooot guys ;) I can work 80h per week now! I'll do it happily ! Just because I know I can ;) I can do everything without cigarettes, this night just proved that ;)
8:48 am; I think is the first time in my life when I get up, turn on the music and start dancing because I am happy ; Before quitting smoking I read some books about the whole process of quitting and one thing remained in my mind; they said that smokers are not happy persons, even if the cigarette they crave are usually to make them happier. I never been so happy while I was smoking; mornings were starting with a coffee and 5 cigarettes; now morning starts with music and dancing!!! Oau, what a change !!
Thursday 2 May 2013
6th day
Now I am aware of the fact that is not going to be easy for a while, and last days I just won a battle not the entire war.
And writing these lines is not easy, not at all. But I know that years from now, if I will ever have a kid like me, these lines might help if not to prevent smoking, at least to prove that you can kick any addiction. It is not impossible even if for sure seems like it !
Critical moments
Today was a perfect day ...until 3 hours ago ! I thought it was over yet, but here I am having another crisis. I hardly can breathe, I feel like I am suffocating, I am very cold and I feel a huge pressure on my brain. Everything I can think about now is the Cigarette! ! you know those moments when you are in love and if accidentally meet your crush you see him shinning and with the hair in the wind ( even if you are inside a building ); well, that' s how I feel about the cigarette now !! I want one , just one, but is never just one ...I cant breathe!!! I should lock myself in and through away the keys before I lose control and go buy cigarettes! Would be always like this from now on ?! This is really pure torture, not fair :( Would I be able to fight it this time ??
Wednesday 1 May 2013
The best day
The end of the 4th day. Today was one of the best days in my life. Not only because I did what I thought is impossible but because today I was proud of myself. Proud of all the things I changed since the beginning of the year. Proud that I am in control of my life probably for the first time. And everything independent of any guy or relationship. I should have given myself more credit before :) Today I didn 't feel at all the need to smoke. I was more calm than I ever been after smoking. I started washing everything in the house as I can feel the trace of smoke in all the clothes. And I biked 36 km :) next week I' ll start running, even if I totally hate it and probably the lungs will collapse very fast. Tomorrow I ll try another test. I ll go for a coffee with someone who smokes to see what reaction my body will have. But now time for sleep! Probably the most relaxing sleep in years!
First smile
I didn't SMOKE last night !!! I have't been so happy since long time!!! I didn't smoke!!! I know that this sounds stupid for nearly everyone else, but for me is one of the biggest achievements lately. Actually the biggest. So, I was drinking last night, I got drunk ...hmm ok ok I have to be sincere, I got wasted ... but in the whole period I didn't felt the need for a cigarette!!! At least since 6 years I never had a drink without a pack of cigarettes to go with it. I mean, when I say NEVER, is really NEVER.
Last night I got extremely wasted and didn't felt the need for the cigarettes, at all!!! I remember I got a bit agitated because I felt the need to get my bike and leave. Took Pablo a while to convince me that I am not able to stand up but to take the bike.
There is actually some light at the end of the tunnel!!!! I have the first victory, I feel much better than yesterday (except that yesterday I didn't have a hangover) and seems like I can have a life even without cigarettes. I must admit that yesterday I had moments when I felt that my life is over, isn't worth anything anymore without cigarettes. I didn't really believe before that I was such an addicted person!
Now that I know that I am extremely good at getting addicted I decided which would be the next addiction. Astro-ph papers. I want to see the shaking and desperation when I don't have anything new to read !
So from the physical point of view today is much better than yesterday. No shaking but actually the coughing started. My lungs are getting again some fresh air and they can't manage it yet. Otherwise everything is better now. I am smiling, and I am much more optimistic :)
I go now to work on the paper addiction. I was not joking! That's my next project : to prove if there is a correlation between addiction and destructive things!
Tuesday 30 April 2013
48 hours
Tuesday morning, 10:21.This morning was particularly bad: I was that dizzy that I hardly could reach the bathroom. Tried several times to wake up without success. Finally I got out of the house and stoped at the backery next corner for a coffee.Something to stop the dizziness. Bad decision. People are smoking here. The smell made me even more sick . I want to puke .The hands started to shake again, the head ache increased . Last night I discovered that adrenaline helps a lot , to the point that I forgot about smoking for a while. Ok I'll get the bike and racing through the fields should make me feel better. I never heard someone dying in the process of quiting smoking. With all my bad luck , still I cant be the first one :) just few more days !!! And then should be easier !!At least that' s what they say !
Monday 29 April 2013
Nonsense
I can't stay home anymore, everything here reminds me of the "good" moments when I could light that cigarette, and everything was OK. Now nothing is OK; everything falls apart!!. I should go back to the institute and work. Keep my brain busy. Sleep is not an option. Not now!
Almost 30 hours
There are moments when I am sure that I can't take it anymore ; but then again what is the worse that can happen ? Die from one of these crisis? small probability :) I wish it was possible to go to sleep and wake up in one month when all the nicotine would have gone away.
Ok, I need to concentrate somehow!!! Some yoga techniques would have been very helpful right now !
Sunday 28 April 2013
Monday(officially) the first day
Yesterday I found out a pretty good solution to make easier the crisis: cold shower and then do crunches until totally exhausted. Now I have to find a solution for the institute. Up to now is pretty OK; I just hope I won't meet my supervisor today !!!
I worked pretty hard to get hooked on cigarettes at the times when I was a stupid teenager (they were horrible at the beginning and they were making me so sick) now I have to work double as hard to get rid of them !!
So smile, suffer and get cured ! In this case really the time is my friend. I know that with every hour that is gone it is getting better as the nicotine will slowly leave my body.
"Smile, tomorrow will be a better day"--- in this situation is really true !!
First hours
Last cigarette was at 10 am in the morning even if oficially I will stop starting tomorrow . Is 4:20 pm and I already started shacking. My head hurts, I am very very dizzy and I feel stomach sick also. I started looking for a cigarette but is nothing around. I will go back to bed and try to calm the little monster in the stomach that craves nicotine. I wont give give up , he wont have any cigarette anymore.I feel the need to cry so I stop writing for now. The situation is too bad out here. Hopefully calmer periods will come !!
Saturday 27 April 2013
So, it is official now: I'll STOP smoking; I don't know how I'll do it, but I'll do it ! So this blog will be just a collection of desperate random thoughts; It was born after one of the many many discussions I had about quitting smoking ; appeared at that point as a pretty good idea, now doesn't look like it anymore, but I have to try to write exactly how I feel just to release the tension inside which was always resulting in lighting one cigarette;
So quit smoking...it is indeed the biggest challenge up to now; getting into graduate school was very easy comparing to stop smoking ; Just the idea of not being able to light a cigarette is terrifying ; the idea that Monday morning I'll wake up as usual, I'll make some coffee and then ...I will not smoke (usually I am smoking 3-4 cigarettes with the morning coffee).
Now I am thinking back when did I start smoking. I remember perfect the moment as it was yesterday: it was in a regional train with my that time boyfriend who was a smoker: I just wanted to know why he smokes; the first cigarette was more than horrible, was disgusting. I remember telling him that he must be crazy because he smokes. I remember times when I was so angry at him that he spent the last money we had on cigarettes; simply I was not able to understand how he could do that. Unfortunately now I do.
Short time after that, my rebellion teenager moments started and because I choose the way of being the bad kid, smoking was a prerequisite. My family had a stash of cigarettes (it was used before as "presents" for doctors in the communism times, as no one in the family smoked). So I had a very "good" time enjoying the old long Kent they had; a single cigarette was enough to make me dizzy for few good moments. I was 16-17 at that time I think. Was really funny the moment when my mother found out I was smoking, because after one of our usual fights, simply I didn't care anymore and I lighted a cigarette in front of her. The hell broke loose and I was having fun ! Now, after almost 10 years, I understand why my father told me once that he wishes me to have a kid like me !
Anyhow, soon after I started smoking, a cigarette per day turned in a few and in one year I was smoking more than a pack per day. At the beginning of my first year of undergraduate, I was even smoking 2 packs per day. This until the Christmas that year when I totally stopped. I stopped due to my new boyfriend who was a non-smoker. From two packs per day I went to not smoking at all (again extremes). This worked for two-three years. Then slowly ( hiding from my bf) I started smoking again. At that time I was Erasmus in Bonn and because of all the stress of the new world, I found peace again in cigarettes. Slowly, but sure, I got hooked up again. I felt bad because mostly I was lying that I am not smoking. In 2009 came the break up and then I went totally back to smoking one pack per day. I didn't care anymore, I didn't have to hide it ! Well, all fine since then , but still even if no boyfriend or parents were around to tell me that I should not smoke I still felt bad from time to time.
And here we are, in 2013, and I am here writing about stopping smoking. Why? Because finally I found some equilibrium in my life, I am happy with what I am doing, I succeeded doing some other big changes and smoking is the only thing that bothers me now. I have to stop. I will stop because I want it , not because someone else wants it. I know that this will be the hardest thing I had to do up to now, but doesn't matter. I know I can do it! I have to do it !!! I know I failed several times up to know, but this time is THE TIME when I will succeed! I know that next week I will feel different, all I will think about is a cigarette, but with some help and understanding from friends I will hopefully manage it. And besides, this time I have this spot here where I can scream, cry but... not smoke :)