So, it is official now: I'll STOP smoking; I don't know how I'll do it, but I'll do it ! So this blog will be just a collection of desperate  random thoughts; It was born after one of the many many  discussions I had about quitting smoking ; appeared at that point as a pretty good idea, now doesn't look like it anymore, but I have to try to write exactly how I feel just to release the tension inside which was always resulting in lighting one cigarette;
  So quit smoking...it is indeed the biggest challenge up to now; getting into graduate school was very easy comparing to stop smoking ; Just the idea of not being able to light a cigarette is terrifying ; the idea that Monday morning I'll wake up as usual, I'll make some coffee and then ...I will not smoke (usually I am smoking 3-4 cigarettes with the morning coffee).
Now  I am thinking back when did I start smoking. I remember perfect the moment as  it was yesterday: it was in a regional train with my that time boyfriend who was a smoker: I just wanted to know why he smokes; the first cigarette was more than horrible, was disgusting. I remember telling him that he must be crazy because he smokes.  I remember times when I was so angry at him that he spent the last money we had on cigarettes; simply I was not able to understand how he could do that. Unfortunately now I do.
 Short time after that, my  rebellion teenager moments started and because I choose the way of being the bad kid, smoking was a prerequisite. My family had a stash of cigarettes (it was used  before as "presents"  for doctors in the communism times, as no one in the family smoked). So I had a very  "good" time enjoying the old long  Kent they had; a single cigarette was enough to make me dizzy for few good moments.  I was 16-17 at that time I think.  Was really funny the moment when my mother found out I was smoking, because after one of our usual fights, simply I didn't care anymore and I lighted a cigarette in front of her. The hell broke loose and I was having fun ! Now, after almost 10 years,  I understand why my father told me once that he wishes me to have a kid  like me !
    Anyhow, soon after  I started smoking, a cigarette per day turned in a few and in one year I was smoking more than a pack per day. At the beginning of my first year of undergraduate, I was even smoking 2 packs per day. This until the Christmas that year when I totally stopped. I stopped due to my new boyfriend who was a non-smoker. From two packs per day I went to not smoking at all (again extremes). This worked for two-three years. Then slowly ( hiding from my bf) I started smoking again.  At that time I was Erasmus in Bonn and because of all the stress of the new world, I found peace again in cigarettes.  Slowly, but sure, I got hooked up again.  I felt bad because mostly I was lying that I am not smoking. In 2009 came the break up and then I went totally back to smoking one pack per day. I didn't care anymore, I didn't have to hide it ! Well, all fine since then , but still even if no boyfriend  or parents were around to tell me that I should not smoke I still felt bad from time to time.
And  here we are, in 2013,  and I am here writing  about stopping smoking. Why? Because finally I found some equilibrium in my life, I am happy with what I am doing, I succeeded doing some other big changes and smoking is the only thing that bothers me now. I have to stop. I will stop because I want it , not because someone else wants it.  I know that this will be the hardest thing I had to do up to now, but doesn't matter. I  know I can do  it! I have to do it !!! I know I failed several times up to know, but this time is THE TIME when I will succeed! I know that next week I will feel different, all I will think about is a cigarette, but with some help and understanding from friends  I will  hopefully manage it. And besides, this time  I have this spot here where  I can scream, cry but... not smoke :)