8:54 pm. Still Monday. Managed to sleep one hour, but no more. Woke up because I was dreaming that I was smoking. Woke up with a feeling of great desperation combined with emptiness. Never felt more alone in my whole life. The cigarettes, they were always there. Didn't matter what time it was, what day, what I was doing before...they were always with me. Now I feel this big empty hole inside. Loneliness combined with fear gives this strange taste of terror and a feeling that nothing makes any sense any more. Is just the nicotine playing tricks on me or this would be from now on my life? I am terrified. Must be a trick, so many people are not smoking and are apparently happy!
I can't stay home anymore, everything here reminds me of the "good" moments when I could light that cigarette, and everything was OK. Now nothing is OK; everything falls apart!!. I should go back to the institute and work. Keep my brain busy. Sleep is not an option. Not now!
No comments:
Post a Comment
Note: only a member of this blog may post a comment.