Thursday, August 1, 12:31 pm
Last night at 11:20, I had the last cigarette. I woke up late today, much later than usual; I opened my eyes, realized what day it is , remembered what that meant and said a loud and angry f***! In 20 min I was out of the flat, one of the 2-3 times in few good years I went outside without having the coffee first.
Nothing unusual until I got to my office, just the annoying smell of cigarettes in the bus stops. I could even actually work a bit before had lunch;
2:39 pm
my brain transformed in a foggy place from which no intelligent idea can emerge. Feels like I can't think any more ; and all this because the level of nicotine in the blood dropped significantly (yesterday at this time I would have already smoked one pack and I was on the way for the second one) ;
besides it is so hot today, "perfect" weather to impose more stress on the body.
I was always amazed by the saying "mind over matter"! If only I could fool my body to think that the nicotine is still there or even better to erase any history of interaction with this drug. I have to do more research on this idea .
Meanwhile, a quick overview of the symptoms:
aggressivity level : normal (yes, unexpected, but true ;) )
dizziness level: over the top (worse than during a hangover)
pain: small headache and throat pain
over all characterization : lost in space and time ; in this withdrawal period you are much more aware of what happens in your body and mind than aware of the external world !
So far so good! Now, when it is the second time of doing this, is actually easier. I know I just have to be patient and it will get better ! 3-4 days of hell, 3 weeks of purgatory and then I am back on the happy side of life ! So let the countdown start !
Thursday, 1 August 2013
Sunday, 28 July 2013
Here I go again ...
It has been a while since I wrote on this blog. The weather outside (cloudy and raining) is perfect for this task. So, to get directly to the point, I am smoking again. After two months of being clean, I started again. It happened on one hot summer night while I was in holiday in Romania. I received a phone call from Germany which kind of changed my life. One guy was explaining me in german that my brother tried to commit suicide by jumping into the Rhine and that I should come to the hospital. The world stopped, my mind stopped. Couldn't think at all, my mind was not working. I asked the friend which was with me to buy cigarettes. I tried really hard to smoke the first cigarette. It was more than horrible. Finished the first, lighted the second one. After smoking like 5 cigarettes, I could finally think. Since that night I am smoking again more than one pack per day. I was so ashamed about it that in the institute I was always hiding for smoking. It was worse than in high school. I felt bad to meet with the people that were so proud when I finally kicked out this bad habit. This situation went on for more than one month. One month of feeling bad after each cigarette I was smoking, which was just turning in the need to smoke more. It was a runaway process. I was getting more and more depressed that I will never be able to quit again.
Until this Friday, when I got to see some hope. The same friends which helped me first time quitting took attitude again. Here is the result :
So from August 1, I won't have any cigarette anymore. I already know what to expect, so shouldn't be as hard as the first time, right? And I should be stronger now, theoretically at least.
I am really really sorry to have disappointed everyone who believed in me last time. I could blame it on the life's challenge I had to face, but deep down I know it was a test that I failed. Bad things are always happening, that's not a reason to be weak.
Anyhow, now, after all this time, I finally have hope again! And, lately, I realized that hope is a damn important thing in life!
Until this Friday, when I got to see some hope. The same friends which helped me first time quitting took attitude again. Here is the result :
So from August 1, I won't have any cigarette anymore. I already know what to expect, so shouldn't be as hard as the first time, right? And I should be stronger now, theoretically at least.
I am really really sorry to have disappointed everyone who believed in me last time. I could blame it on the life's challenge I had to face, but deep down I know it was a test that I failed. Bad things are always happening, that's not a reason to be weak.
Anyhow, now, after all this time, I finally have hope again! And, lately, I realized that hope is a damn important thing in life!
Saturday, 18 May 2013
21st day
Sunday morning, 5:05 am. Today are exactly 21 days since I stopped smoking and also the first observing night/morning without smoking. I was pretty afraid of this moment. Usually one night of observing was equivalent with more than half pack of cigarettes (around 1 at every 40 min when the dome had to be moved ). I successfully passed the test: no smoking ! Actually I passed 5/6 most difficult tests : I had a coffee with a smoker, I had a ride in a car with a smoker, I have been at parties with lots of alcohol, I had an observation night and managed to have a short phone call with my family. In the dark age (the period when I was smoking) all these events were measured in how many cigarettes I smoked !
But the final battle will begin just next week when I'll have to live in the same flat with a heavy smoker for probably more than one month!Yupiii!!! I didn't have enough stress already ! I just hope that by the end of this period he will be a non smoker too and not the other way round!
I just have to remember : 3 weeks since I am not smoking and I feel a totally different person: much more optimistic, smiling and with increasing self-esteem.
Recently I was reading some article about habits and how to change them. A habit is composed of three parts: cue, routine and reward. You can't change a habit, but you can change the routine component. The habit of smoking consisted of a stress factor as a cue, lighting and smoking a cigarette as the routine and the reward was the impression of feeling more relaxed. For succeeding in giving up cigarettes, I had to replace them with another routine: at the beginning was biking but that usually takes more time than a cigarette. The perfect solution I came up which previously was just a joke is reading astroph. A cigarette takes usually like 5 min plus 5 getting out in total 10 min at a time. Now, if I feel stressed, I take a break of 10 min reading some abstracts or looking into a paper on the arXiv. I know it sounds crazy, but it works !!! Soon I might be able to cure even Facebook addiction this way !:D
Friday night I met with a friend which tried to stop smoking in the same period as me. He was smoking again. When I asked what happened, the answer was: "I am not as strong as you!". Lame excuse, the same I used so many times before!And I really felt sorry for him ! If you read these lines, think twice before lighting that cigarette:it won't make you more relaxed!
I wanted to write some more things but is already 6:30 am and I am still in the institute. I guess I should go to sleep a bit and leave the rest for the next time!
P.S 7:52 am ; on the way back home I witnessed the most beautiful morning since I am in Bonn: half of the city being in a very dense fog, no cars at all on the street and everything painted with a fresh green; except the lady from the bakery (which was extremely nice) the only living things I met were a rabbit, a squirrel and a crow. The fields between Bonn and St. Augustin were surreal. It is such a long time since I was impressed that much by nature. Might be also a secondary effect of no smoking. I feel so much more alive and everything leaves so much stronger impression on my senses; and besides I get now a much finer sense of smell ! A new habit will emerge based on today's experience: Sunday bike rides through the city before sunrise :)
But the final battle will begin just next week when I'll have to live in the same flat with a heavy smoker for probably more than one month!Yupiii!!! I didn't have enough stress already ! I just hope that by the end of this period he will be a non smoker too and not the other way round!
I just have to remember : 3 weeks since I am not smoking and I feel a totally different person: much more optimistic, smiling and with increasing self-esteem.
Recently I was reading some article about habits and how to change them. A habit is composed of three parts: cue, routine and reward. You can't change a habit, but you can change the routine component. The habit of smoking consisted of a stress factor as a cue, lighting and smoking a cigarette as the routine and the reward was the impression of feeling more relaxed. For succeeding in giving up cigarettes, I had to replace them with another routine: at the beginning was biking but that usually takes more time than a cigarette. The perfect solution I came up which previously was just a joke is reading astroph. A cigarette takes usually like 5 min plus 5 getting out in total 10 min at a time. Now, if I feel stressed, I take a break of 10 min reading some abstracts or looking into a paper on the arXiv. I know it sounds crazy, but it works !!! Soon I might be able to cure even Facebook addiction this way !:D
Friday night I met with a friend which tried to stop smoking in the same period as me. He was smoking again. When I asked what happened, the answer was: "I am not as strong as you!". Lame excuse, the same I used so many times before!And I really felt sorry for him ! If you read these lines, think twice before lighting that cigarette:it won't make you more relaxed!
I wanted to write some more things but is already 6:30 am and I am still in the institute. I guess I should go to sleep a bit and leave the rest for the next time!
P.S 7:52 am ; on the way back home I witnessed the most beautiful morning since I am in Bonn: half of the city being in a very dense fog, no cars at all on the street and everything painted with a fresh green; except the lady from the bakery (which was extremely nice) the only living things I met were a rabbit, a squirrel and a crow. The fields between Bonn and St. Augustin were surreal. It is such a long time since I was impressed that much by nature. Might be also a secondary effect of no smoking. I feel so much more alive and everything leaves so much stronger impression on my senses; and besides I get now a much finer sense of smell ! A new habit will emerge based on today's experience: Sunday bike rides through the city before sunrise :)
Sunday, 5 May 2013
The end or...Future Plans?
Sunday, 10:24 am- it has been one week since I smoked the last cigarette. One exciting week, with huge oscillations between being happy and terrified. One week in which I made public all the moments in my life ( not that before I was not using Facebook more than anyone else ).
Today I felt that this mission is accomplished and I have to move on ! So I will summarize what happen this week in just few words.
8 days ago I was a person who was smoking 1-2 packs per day and this because I was really restraining myself. I was always nervous, pretty often depressed and with very low self esteem. I tried before to quit smoking but didn't succeed. Now, after 8 days, I am not smoking at all, I am more relaxed than I ever was, and I am smiling, a lot and funny enough a lot to strangers ! So what happen ?! Why this time I succeeded what I thought before to be IMPOSSIBLE? I approached the problem scientifically: first identify the reasons I was smoking in the first place; I realized then that I was acting like a victim and instead of fighting back my past I was just closing in and the only release of all the wrong feelings was through cigarettes. Once all this was clear in my head I moved to build the plan of kicking off this bad habit. The plan was the shortest ever: don't smoke And this is how it started! What happened in this week everyone knows ! I was in hell for half of the time, where I had to fight the Nicotine monster and his master, Addiction monster; I did't win the war, but I won several battles. I know the war will continue for a good while, but I know how to fight back now !And only because I decided to be a fighter not a victim ! To stop smoking was just the first step in the long journey of building myself !I want to learn so many new things from which the first is swimming(yes, yes, I don't know how to swim but made progress last month: I managed to cross the pool without someone getting me out from the bottom of the pool :D ) .
Now I am all excited and happy mostly because now I know that I can do anything I want: I managed to stop smoking which for me was equivalent with going to Moon !!!
I know that a lot of people read this blog and actually I am very very happy that I got feedback of other people being motivated to stop smoking ! You CAN DO IT (think that most of you smoke even less than one pack per week !!!! ) And I am very happy that people supported me morally: every time I was meeting someone on the corridors of AIfA they were all thumbs up ! That felt good, something like a big family :)
So I guess that's it for now; was fun to write exactly what I felt or thought this week: was like having the diary again, but this time open diary ! I know, blogging is much easier that talk to a person face to face so I have to improve my social skills and not just hiding before a computer screen! But small steps are the key to success ! So if you want updates about smoking or just want to talk, ask me for a coffee , I am always available for coffee (maybe at some point I should make a blog about quitting coffee-->6 coffees per day is too much, right?! ) That's it , I shut up now and go do some science :)
Today I felt that this mission is accomplished and I have to move on ! So I will summarize what happen this week in just few words.
8 days ago I was a person who was smoking 1-2 packs per day and this because I was really restraining myself. I was always nervous, pretty often depressed and with very low self esteem. I tried before to quit smoking but didn't succeed. Now, after 8 days, I am not smoking at all, I am more relaxed than I ever was, and I am smiling, a lot and funny enough a lot to strangers ! So what happen ?! Why this time I succeeded what I thought before to be IMPOSSIBLE? I approached the problem scientifically: first identify the reasons I was smoking in the first place; I realized then that I was acting like a victim and instead of fighting back my past I was just closing in and the only release of all the wrong feelings was through cigarettes. Once all this was clear in my head I moved to build the plan of kicking off this bad habit. The plan was the shortest ever: don't smoke And this is how it started! What happened in this week everyone knows ! I was in hell for half of the time, where I had to fight the Nicotine monster and his master, Addiction monster; I did't win the war, but I won several battles. I know the war will continue for a good while, but I know how to fight back now !And only because I decided to be a fighter not a victim ! To stop smoking was just the first step in the long journey of building myself !I want to learn so many new things from which the first is swimming(yes, yes, I don't know how to swim but made progress last month: I managed to cross the pool without someone getting me out from the bottom of the pool :D ) .
Now I am all excited and happy mostly because now I know that I can do anything I want: I managed to stop smoking which for me was equivalent with going to Moon !!!
I know that a lot of people read this blog and actually I am very very happy that I got feedback of other people being motivated to stop smoking ! You CAN DO IT (think that most of you smoke even less than one pack per week !!!! ) And I am very happy that people supported me morally: every time I was meeting someone on the corridors of AIfA they were all thumbs up ! That felt good, something like a big family :)
So I guess that's it for now; was fun to write exactly what I felt or thought this week: was like having the diary again, but this time open diary ! I know, blogging is much easier that talk to a person face to face so I have to improve my social skills and not just hiding before a computer screen! But small steps are the key to success ! So if you want updates about smoking or just want to talk, ask me for a coffee , I am always available for coffee (maybe at some point I should make a blog about quitting coffee-->6 coffees per day is too much, right?! ) That's it , I shut up now and go do some science :)
Friday, 3 May 2013
7th day
4th May , 5 :11 am (exactly 24h since I am awake) I am happy happy happy !!!! I just discovered that there is LIFE without cigarettes !!!!I didn't have so much fun since good years!! First of all I drunk, a lot ...and also a lot of coffee until I got to a kind of equilibrium(OK...not physical but psychological ;) ) And then I danced...a LOOOT (I NEVER DANCE !!!) ; then I took the bike back home (world record : 20 min to my bed); If you ever played Need for Speed II maybe you understand the feeling : imagine no lights whatsoever and being drunk on a bike on maximum speed on hills : was WONDERFUL!!The level of adrenaline was as high as possible ; my brother would be sooooo proud of me : I didn't crash in any tree or car !!!
And I have done all this without any cigarettes !!!! I am soooo happy and proud of my self; I just broke several psychological barriers tonight !!! Thanks a looooooooooooooooooot guys ;) I can work 80h per week now! I'll do it happily ! Just because I know I can ;) I can do everything without cigarettes, this night just proved that ;)
8:48 am; I think is the first time in my life when I get up, turn on the music and start dancing because I am happy ; Before quitting smoking I read some books about the whole process of quitting and one thing remained in my mind; they said that smokers are not happy persons, even if the cigarette they crave are usually to make them happier. I never been so happy while I was smoking; mornings were starting with a coffee and 5 cigarettes; now morning starts with music and dancing!!! Oau, what a change !!
And I have done all this without any cigarettes !!!! I am soooo happy and proud of my self; I just broke several psychological barriers tonight !!! Thanks a looooooooooooooooooot guys ;) I can work 80h per week now! I'll do it happily ! Just because I know I can ;) I can do everything without cigarettes, this night just proved that ;)
8:48 am; I think is the first time in my life when I get up, turn on the music and start dancing because I am happy ; Before quitting smoking I read some books about the whole process of quitting and one thing remained in my mind; they said that smokers are not happy persons, even if the cigarette they crave are usually to make them happier. I never been so happy while I was smoking; mornings were starting with a coffee and 5 cigarettes; now morning starts with music and dancing!!! Oau, what a change !!
Thursday, 2 May 2013
6th day
Friday 5:55 am, the 6th day. Sleep does help in critical situations and..also cosmology lecture notes :) Yesterday was pretty bad and I was pretty at the limit too. I hated some people which were having fun at the situation while also smoking a cigarette. Because of course I am the one addicted that cannot quit while they can whenever they want . But they just don't want it ... Or other persons that just have fun at these kind of situations by principle. And still wonder why I totally don't like them ! Anyhow, I needed to clean my facebook list which is totally outdated.
Now I am aware of the fact that is not going to be easy for a while, and last days I just won a battle not the entire war.
And writing these lines is not easy, not at all. But I know that years from now, if I will ever have a kid like me, these lines might help if not to prevent smoking, at least to prove that you can kick any addiction. It is not impossible even if for sure seems like it !
Now I am aware of the fact that is not going to be easy for a while, and last days I just won a battle not the entire war.
And writing these lines is not easy, not at all. But I know that years from now, if I will ever have a kid like me, these lines might help if not to prevent smoking, at least to prove that you can kick any addiction. It is not impossible even if for sure seems like it !
Critical moments
Today was a perfect day ...until 3 hours ago ! I thought it was over yet, but here I am having another crisis. I hardly can breathe, I feel like I am suffocating, I am very cold and I feel a huge pressure on my brain. Everything I can think about now is the Cigarette! ! you know those moments when you are in love and if accidentally meet your crush you see him shinning and with the hair in the wind ( even if you are inside a building ); well, that' s how I feel about the cigarette now !! I want one , just one, but is never just one ...I cant breathe!!! I should lock myself in and through away the keys before I lose control and go buy cigarettes! Would be always like this from now on ?! This is really pure torture, not fair :( Would I be able to fight it this time ??
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